Hey, good for you! I'm glad you're starting this process and taking the time to do it right.
Some thoughts:
The first paragraph is good and to the point. I'm not sure about mentioning it's a trilogy, at least not upfront. Your first book does more or less work on its own, and the agent will want to concentrate on that one first. I'd say later on in the letter you can mention that this is your first novel and you're working on a sequel (or planning it or whatever). That should cover it. You don't want to scare anyone off with the first line. Also, I sometimes moved this first paragraph a few paragraphs down, after the plot summary, so you can grab the agent's attention right away. Of course you're seeking representation, that's why you're querying them. I decided the placement based on the agent's guidelines and interviews, etc.
The Bonedevil is the tale of Eiryn, an outcast woman abandoned by her mysterious, foreign, much maligned mother, who lives with her father in the village of Carrinav. After a fire kills the only person willing to hire her, Eiryn seeks work from the monstrous old man, known only as Bonedevil, living in a crumbling tower in the woods, the only remnant of the long destroyed Black City. The last line of this is great, but the rest is throwing me off, particularly "an outcast woman abandoned by her mysterious, foreign, much maligned mother". It doesn't flow, and just seems awkward. If she is an outcast, why is she living in the village?
Similarly, "After a fire kills the only person willing to hire her" isn't doing as much work as it could. Be very specific and make it compelling. I'm thinking something along the lines of:
"Eiryn grew up in the village of Carrinav hearing frightening rumors about the Bonedevil, a monstrous old man living in a tower in the woods--the only remnant of the ancient Black City. After a fire kills the closest thing she has to a mother--and the only villager willing to employ her--Eiryn must leave her home and the father who raised her to seek work at the Bonedevil's tower."
In this crumbling tower, Eiryn discovers that Bonedevil is not a monster, but the lone survivor of a terrible disaster who harbors many secrets, including the know that her mother, like him, is of a powerful race capable of great magic, magic she herself is heir to. As Bonedevil instructs her in this magic, a mysterious stranger named Sephon tries to court, woo and bribe her into revealing what she knows of Bonedevil, to further his treacherous plans.
Sephon has come to hunt Bonedevil and find something left behind in the crumbling tower to help him kill the great and powerful Black Queen. It is only then that Eiryn learns that the fate of the Black Queen is her own, because the Black Queen is the mother who left her behind, and the plans that Sephon harbors are only the beginning of a plot to change the very shape of an empire.
This is pretty good. I would combine the two into one paragraph to keep the letter short. Again, this needs to be tighter: In this crumbling tower, Eiryn discovers that Bonedevil is not a monster, but the lone survivor of a terrible disaster. He harbors many secrets, including the know that her mother, like him, tells her he is of a powerful race capable of great magic, magic she herself is heir to--as was the mother who abandoned her. As Bonedevil instructs her in this magic, teached her about the magic and her heritage, a mysterious stranger named Sephon tries to court, woo and bribe her into revealing what she knows of Bonedevil, to further his treacherous plans. Sephon has come arrives to hunt Bonedevil and find something left behind in the crumbling tower to help him kill the great and powerfulthe power to kill his Black Queen. Eiryn is forced to help Sephon, only to It is only then that Eiryn learn that the fate of the Black Queen is her own;, because the Black Queen is the mother who left her behind, and the plans that Sephon harbors are only the beginning of a plot to change the very shape of an empire.
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part one
Date: 2009-03-20 11:50 pm (UTC)Some thoughts:
The first paragraph is good and to the point. I'm not sure about mentioning it's a trilogy, at least not upfront. Your first book does more or less work on its own, and the agent will want to concentrate on that one first. I'd say later on in the letter you can mention that this is your first novel and you're working on a sequel (or planning it or whatever). That should cover it. You don't want to scare anyone off with the first line. Also, I sometimes moved this first paragraph a few paragraphs down, after the plot summary, so you can grab the agent's attention right away. Of course you're seeking representation, that's why you're querying them. I decided the placement based on the agent's guidelines and interviews, etc.
The Bonedevil is the tale of Eiryn, an outcast woman abandoned by her mysterious, foreign, much maligned mother, who lives with her father in the village of Carrinav. After a fire kills the only person willing to hire her, Eiryn seeks work from the monstrous old man, known only as Bonedevil, living in a crumbling tower in the woods, the only remnant of the long destroyed Black City.
The last line of this is great, but the rest is throwing me off, particularly "an outcast woman abandoned by her mysterious, foreign, much maligned mother". It doesn't flow, and just seems awkward. If she is an outcast, why is she living in the village?
Similarly, "After a fire kills the only person willing to hire her" isn't doing as much work as it could. Be very specific and make it compelling. I'm thinking something along the lines of:
"Eiryn grew up in the village of Carrinav hearing frightening rumors about the Bonedevil, a monstrous old man living in a tower in the woods--the only remnant of the ancient Black City. After a fire kills the closest thing she has to a mother--and the only villager willing to employ her--Eiryn must leave her home and the father who raised her to seek work at the Bonedevil's tower."
In this crumbling tower, Eiryn discovers that Bonedevil is not a monster, but the lone survivor of a terrible disaster who harbors many secrets, including the know that her mother, like him, is of a powerful race capable of great magic, magic she herself is heir to. As Bonedevil instructs her in this magic, a mysterious stranger named Sephon tries to court, woo and bribe her into revealing what she knows of Bonedevil, to further his treacherous plans.
Sephon has come to hunt Bonedevil and find something left behind in the crumbling tower to help him kill the great and powerful Black Queen. It is only then that Eiryn learns that the fate of the Black Queen is her own, because the Black Queen is the mother who left her behind, and the plans that Sephon harbors are only the beginning of a plot to change the very shape of an empire.
This is pretty good. I would combine the two into one paragraph to keep the letter short. Again, this needs to be tighter:
In this crumbling tower,Eiryn discovers that Bonedevil is not a monster, but the lone survivor of a terrible disaster. Heharbors many secrets, including the know that her mother, like him,tells her he is of a powerful race capable of great magic, magic she herself is heir to--as was the mother who abandoned her. As Bonedevilinstructs her in this magic,teached her about the magic and her heritage, a mysterious stranger named Sephontries to court, woo and bribe her into revealing what she knows of Bonedevil, to further his treacherous plans. Sephon has comearrives to hunt Bonedevil and findsomething left behind in the crumbling tower to help him kill the great and powerfulthe power to kill his Black Queen. Eiryn is forced to help Sephon, only toIt is only then that Eirynlearn that the fate of the Black Queen is her own;, because the Black Queen is the mother who left her behind, and the plans that Sephon harbors are only the beginning of a plot to change the very shape of an empire.