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It's not about blue vs. pink
This entry about women relating to other women by Ekaterina Sedia sort of upset me.
Especially this bit:
I'm sort of bothered that she is bothered. I don't pretend to know what other commenters meant, nor am I even directly criticizing Ms. Sedia herself - but rather I'm talking about a common notion of there being disdain for a woman who gets along better with men.
Because I used to be a woman like that. The reason for it was not rooted in trivializing other women or inward misogyny.
It was because men related better to me. I suspect a lot of women have this experience.
Most of the cruelty and emotional trauma I've suffered in my life has come from the hands of other women who themselves probably related perfectly well to fellow females. Particularly girl classmates at school. If I related to boys better, it was because boys were less likely to hurt me. Boys would, sometimes, begrudgingly accept me. And if we didn't talk about clothes and feelings and pink things? All the better, because I was excluded from the Pink Sparkly Princess Club to begin with.
I think it should be noted, as well, that it's coming to light in recent years that Asperger's and autism spectrum disorder diagnoses are heavily gender biased, and that a lot of women and girls have gone undiagnosed because of the way females are socialized in our societies. We force social norms and behaviors harder on girls than boys.
A lot of women who relate better to men may actually be women with undiagnosed Asperger's who find that male behavior norms are more comfortable and easier to understand for them. After all, Asperger's behavior patterns, especially when it comes to interpersonal relations and dealing with other people's feelings, do tend to skew towards male normalcy.
I'm by no means on the autistic spectrum, but I also felt more at ease with boys at some points in my life.
I was a fat nerdy girl in school, and thus had few friends of either gender. However, boys tended to ignore my existence. Girls, on the other hand, went out of their way to make horrible comments or do hurtful things to me. So if I related better to boys, it was out of self-preservation.
When you're a fat girl? You can't be a Pink Sparkly Princess. The books, movies, TV shows, and dolls that are for girls have big giant "No Fatties Allowed" signs all over them. Leotards and tutus don't come in your size. Cute little girl jewelry like rings don't come in your size. Dresses and pantyhose don't come in your size. The things that didn't make me feel bad about my self usually skewed towards the male end of the spectrum (dinosaurs, chemistry sets, astronomy, science, action toys, SF/F novels and TV shows).
You don't really count as a girl when you're the fat kid. Things like pretty dresses and cute clothes are the impossible dream for you. Often times I had to wear boys' jeans because the girl jeans were not made to fit my body type or size. Finding age appropriate clothing that fit was hell for me. Often, I wore clothes meant for women three times my age because it was all that fit.
So when other girls spoke of shopping and going to the mall with glee? I couldn't join in. Because shopping usually ended in tears for me, literally. To this day, I still am reluctant to buy new clothing and will wear the same four or five outfits continually because I am that programmed to freak out about shopping.
I know it sounds kind of silly, but that really is kind of a trigger for me. Because shopping trips that ended with me shamefully wearing boys' jeans and feeling fat, useless, and completely excluded from girlhood also included angry, hurtful word from my mother and sister or even a fight. A few times, slapping was involved.
I tried very hard many times to try to be a proper girl. I wore dresses when I was told to, tried to like them even though they itched, looked bad, and were generally embarrassing for me. I tried to do the makeup thing, but I couldn't get anyone else to do it with me. When the other girls went into the restrooms after lunch to put on lipstick, I couldn't find anyone who would teach me how to do it.
To this day I don't know how to apply makeup because I couldn't find anyone who would stop for ten damn minutes and explain it to me. And at the point in my life? Eyeshadow is a moot point anyway.
When I tried to gain admission to the Sparkly Pink Princess club, the price was never right. I was either too fat, too nerdy, too awkward, too geeky, or just too stubbornly me to fit in. You can be a Sparkly Princess, but you gotta give up the dinosaurs and the Power Rangers and the love of a good down-and-dirty tumble.
The problem is that we're still living in a "pink is for girls, blue is for boys" world. Where if you're not interested (or allowed to be interested) in the typical "female" things, you're exiled from womanhood. If you're not interested in heterosexual marriage and childrearing and shopping and rom-coms starring Julia Roberts, you're not really a woman. It's not you who are excluding other females, it's they who are excluding you.
So how did I grow out of my "I like boys better" stage?
I did myself a big favor and I said, "To hell with it!" and instead of caring what the Pink Sparkly Princesses of the world thought of me, instead of trying to find a way to reconcile myself with Barbie, I sought out other girls and women who were like me. The internet helped a lot, by the way.
I sought out the fellow geeks and fatties and weirdos who shared my gender. It was the best thing I've ever done. Because I discovered I don't relate better to men at all. I actually, when I know it won't involve pain and stereotyping, feel more at ease with women. I feel less pressured. I prefer women authors, women doctors.
I am not alone. So many other women WANT to have female friendships and comraderie, they just don't want to have to paint themselves pink and wear a tiara to do it. Plenty of women also like dinosaurs and science fiction and hate shopping and rom-coms.
It's not about trivializing female things and disrespecting the domestic. It's about trying to force something to be either a male or female activity. It's about saying that girls must like babies and clothes and the color pink while boys must love GI Joe and sports and cars. Look at how many female fans there are of comic books.
Because for every girl that can't stand Barbie, there's a boy who desperately wants one. I'm sure there are a lot of boys and men who would be infinitely happier if we freed them up to also be Pink Sparkly Princesses. Who have penises and an undying love of Pretty Woman.
And maybe there are some who like their own unique mixture of both. I know I do. I love romance novels and action flicks with big explosions. I love men and women, sexually speaking.
But the healing began once I started finding other women who were like me instead of trying to make myself like other women. I don't think the answer is to tell the outcast women to try harder to stuff themselves in to the Pink Box.
I think the answer is to stop making boxes.
Pink is for anyone who likes pink. Blue is for anyone who likes blue. And yes, it's perfectly all right to like both or neither.
Especially this bit:
What I found the most interesting, however, was the number of people in comments who said that "well, it's not about sex or romance – I just relate to men better." And these comments really bothered me on several levels.
I'm sort of bothered that she is bothered. I don't pretend to know what other commenters meant, nor am I even directly criticizing Ms. Sedia herself - but rather I'm talking about a common notion of there being disdain for a woman who gets along better with men.
Because I used to be a woman like that. The reason for it was not rooted in trivializing other women or inward misogyny.
It was because men related better to me. I suspect a lot of women have this experience.
Most of the cruelty and emotional trauma I've suffered in my life has come from the hands of other women who themselves probably related perfectly well to fellow females. Particularly girl classmates at school. If I related to boys better, it was because boys were less likely to hurt me. Boys would, sometimes, begrudgingly accept me. And if we didn't talk about clothes and feelings and pink things? All the better, because I was excluded from the Pink Sparkly Princess Club to begin with.
I think it should be noted, as well, that it's coming to light in recent years that Asperger's and autism spectrum disorder diagnoses are heavily gender biased, and that a lot of women and girls have gone undiagnosed because of the way females are socialized in our societies. We force social norms and behaviors harder on girls than boys.
A lot of women who relate better to men may actually be women with undiagnosed Asperger's who find that male behavior norms are more comfortable and easier to understand for them. After all, Asperger's behavior patterns, especially when it comes to interpersonal relations and dealing with other people's feelings, do tend to skew towards male normalcy.
I'm by no means on the autistic spectrum, but I also felt more at ease with boys at some points in my life.
I was a fat nerdy girl in school, and thus had few friends of either gender. However, boys tended to ignore my existence. Girls, on the other hand, went out of their way to make horrible comments or do hurtful things to me. So if I related better to boys, it was out of self-preservation.
When you're a fat girl? You can't be a Pink Sparkly Princess. The books, movies, TV shows, and dolls that are for girls have big giant "No Fatties Allowed" signs all over them. Leotards and tutus don't come in your size. Cute little girl jewelry like rings don't come in your size. Dresses and pantyhose don't come in your size. The things that didn't make me feel bad about my self usually skewed towards the male end of the spectrum (dinosaurs, chemistry sets, astronomy, science, action toys, SF/F novels and TV shows).
You don't really count as a girl when you're the fat kid. Things like pretty dresses and cute clothes are the impossible dream for you. Often times I had to wear boys' jeans because the girl jeans were not made to fit my body type or size. Finding age appropriate clothing that fit was hell for me. Often, I wore clothes meant for women three times my age because it was all that fit.
So when other girls spoke of shopping and going to the mall with glee? I couldn't join in. Because shopping usually ended in tears for me, literally. To this day, I still am reluctant to buy new clothing and will wear the same four or five outfits continually because I am that programmed to freak out about shopping.
I know it sounds kind of silly, but that really is kind of a trigger for me. Because shopping trips that ended with me shamefully wearing boys' jeans and feeling fat, useless, and completely excluded from girlhood also included angry, hurtful word from my mother and sister or even a fight. A few times, slapping was involved.
I tried very hard many times to try to be a proper girl. I wore dresses when I was told to, tried to like them even though they itched, looked bad, and were generally embarrassing for me. I tried to do the makeup thing, but I couldn't get anyone else to do it with me. When the other girls went into the restrooms after lunch to put on lipstick, I couldn't find anyone who would teach me how to do it.
To this day I don't know how to apply makeup because I couldn't find anyone who would stop for ten damn minutes and explain it to me. And at the point in my life? Eyeshadow is a moot point anyway.
When I tried to gain admission to the Sparkly Pink Princess club, the price was never right. I was either too fat, too nerdy, too awkward, too geeky, or just too stubbornly me to fit in. You can be a Sparkly Princess, but you gotta give up the dinosaurs and the Power Rangers and the love of a good down-and-dirty tumble.
The problem is that we're still living in a "pink is for girls, blue is for boys" world. Where if you're not interested (or allowed to be interested) in the typical "female" things, you're exiled from womanhood. If you're not interested in heterosexual marriage and childrearing and shopping and rom-coms starring Julia Roberts, you're not really a woman. It's not you who are excluding other females, it's they who are excluding you.
So how did I grow out of my "I like boys better" stage?
I did myself a big favor and I said, "To hell with it!" and instead of caring what the Pink Sparkly Princesses of the world thought of me, instead of trying to find a way to reconcile myself with Barbie, I sought out other girls and women who were like me. The internet helped a lot, by the way.
I sought out the fellow geeks and fatties and weirdos who shared my gender. It was the best thing I've ever done. Because I discovered I don't relate better to men at all. I actually, when I know it won't involve pain and stereotyping, feel more at ease with women. I feel less pressured. I prefer women authors, women doctors.
I am not alone. So many other women WANT to have female friendships and comraderie, they just don't want to have to paint themselves pink and wear a tiara to do it. Plenty of women also like dinosaurs and science fiction and hate shopping and rom-coms.
It's not about trivializing female things and disrespecting the domestic. It's about trying to force something to be either a male or female activity. It's about saying that girls must like babies and clothes and the color pink while boys must love GI Joe and sports and cars. Look at how many female fans there are of comic books.
Because for every girl that can't stand Barbie, there's a boy who desperately wants one. I'm sure there are a lot of boys and men who would be infinitely happier if we freed them up to also be Pink Sparkly Princesses. Who have penises and an undying love of Pretty Woman.
And maybe there are some who like their own unique mixture of both. I know I do. I love romance novels and action flicks with big explosions. I love men and women, sexually speaking.
But the healing began once I started finding other women who were like me instead of trying to make myself like other women. I don't think the answer is to tell the outcast women to try harder to stuff themselves in to the Pink Box.
I think the answer is to stop making boxes.
Pink is for anyone who likes pink. Blue is for anyone who likes blue. And yes, it's perfectly all right to like both or neither.
no subject
I could have written pretty much this entire essay myself.
I went through a secondary pink sparkly Barbie ostracism when I had my daughter. Other suburban mommies didn't play Civilization on the computer for hours while the baby was sleeping, or mourn the loss of the ability to play D&D until 3:00am, or read C.J. Cherryh and Neil Gaiman rather than the latest literary bestsellers and childcare books.
LJ has really made my life so much better - now I have female friends who like the things I like.