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Slowly emerging from semi-hibernation
In case you've noticed (or cared to), I know the postings here have slowed to a veritable crawl and even elsewhere they've slowed in the last couple of months. I'm going to try from here forward to get things going a bit more. Not that I think my wee little DW/LJ is of any major concern to anyone, but I do know it can be a bit of a pain in the butt having someone on your f-list who doesn't post anything or comment a lot.
The reasons for the slow down were that this winter was one of the most difficult I've ever been through, especially mentally.
I don't have a diagnosis for SAD (seasonal affective disorder) for various reasons, but mostly that I have a rather deep anxiety about going to doctors and I turn into this very quiet, shaking, mumbling person who can't look anyone in the eye, can't hold a discussion, and wants to crawl under something and is about to cry constantly all while trying to come across as a reasonable adult human being so that the doctor won't be extra judge-y at me. Basically, I know what dogs feel like when you hoist them onto the table in the vet's office and they tuck their tail between their legs and shake and try to lay flat and whimper a lot and give you the big "what did I do wrong?" eyes that wound you to the soul.
Thus, me and doctors don't mix unless I desperately need meds or I'm about to die of something.
So I'm not going to come out and say that I have SAD. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. But I do know that for the past few years, come mid-December and lasting until about the end of March or so, I go into this state. It's like the world loses all joy and meaning. It's almost physical in the way that things don't taste good, music doesn't sound good, I don't enjoy things. I feel sore and tired and completely wiped out all the time. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to get out of bed and I had days this winter where I was doing very good just to be able to do basic housekeeping and not self-harm. I feel hopeless, and find myself thinking that nothing in the world means anything, nothing will ever make me happy, nothing can be good, that everything is just misery, misery, misery - an endless expanse of gray to be muddled through until you die or something or just completely surrender. My creativity is for shit, my ability to be motivated is for even more shit. Oh, and the anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere for no goddamn reason are also the opposite of fun. Nothing like sitting on the couch when suddenly your heart starts racing, you can't breathe, your palms are sweating, and you're really really afraid of either nothing or just some thought that ran through your brain that normally wouldn't upset you.
This year was doubly worse because I couldn't exercise. I live in New York City and in a part of Queens where only about half of the sidewalks are ever shoveled because the homeowners do it, but the apartment dwellers don't. And with the mounds and mounds of snow and ice that buried us from December to February, it was literally unsafe for several weeks for me to go on my usual walk/jog route or do any outdoor exercise. And there were a few days when going beyond the front door of my apartment was not feasible and even my poor husband had to call into work.
Look, when the snow plow is broken down at the end of your street, sitting there in a sad, shut down heap for almost two days, it's bad. It's really bad.
So exercise (which is just as much essential to my mental and psychological self-care as my physical) was limited, as was leaving my apartment, as was getting any meatspace social contact with living things that weren't my husband or cat.
Needless to say (but I said it anyway), not a good state to be in, and not conducive to posting very much or being very thoughtful or useful, though I tried sometimes. But the upside is that once the days start getting longer, I feel better and usually by mid-April I'm quite spry and energetic again and feeling hopeful and food begins to taste really good (I go through a period of "oh my god, this is fabulous! How did I not know that cheeseburgers were delicious?!?") and I exercise a lot and my creativity spikes and it's spring.
So now that you've all been informed of that, which I know you're all richer for having read, the basic idea is that I hope to start posting more. And to get on that giant backlog of book reviews I have and all the other things.
But here in my part of the world, spring is springing (or trying valiantly to, since it's in the 30's here in NYC) and I'm trying to spring with it. If there's anything I've missed since December or didn't comment on that you wanted me to or anything else, let me know.
The reasons for the slow down were that this winter was one of the most difficult I've ever been through, especially mentally.
I don't have a diagnosis for SAD (seasonal affective disorder) for various reasons, but mostly that I have a rather deep anxiety about going to doctors and I turn into this very quiet, shaking, mumbling person who can't look anyone in the eye, can't hold a discussion, and wants to crawl under something and is about to cry constantly all while trying to come across as a reasonable adult human being so that the doctor won't be extra judge-y at me. Basically, I know what dogs feel like when you hoist them onto the table in the vet's office and they tuck their tail between their legs and shake and try to lay flat and whimper a lot and give you the big "what did I do wrong?" eyes that wound you to the soul.
Thus, me and doctors don't mix unless I desperately need meds or I'm about to die of something.
So I'm not going to come out and say that I have SAD. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. But I do know that for the past few years, come mid-December and lasting until about the end of March or so, I go into this state. It's like the world loses all joy and meaning. It's almost physical in the way that things don't taste good, music doesn't sound good, I don't enjoy things. I feel sore and tired and completely wiped out all the time. I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to get out of bed and I had days this winter where I was doing very good just to be able to do basic housekeeping and not self-harm. I feel hopeless, and find myself thinking that nothing in the world means anything, nothing will ever make me happy, nothing can be good, that everything is just misery, misery, misery - an endless expanse of gray to be muddled through until you die or something or just completely surrender. My creativity is for shit, my ability to be motivated is for even more shit. Oh, and the anxiety attacks that come out of nowhere for no goddamn reason are also the opposite of fun. Nothing like sitting on the couch when suddenly your heart starts racing, you can't breathe, your palms are sweating, and you're really really afraid of either nothing or just some thought that ran through your brain that normally wouldn't upset you.
This year was doubly worse because I couldn't exercise. I live in New York City and in a part of Queens where only about half of the sidewalks are ever shoveled because the homeowners do it, but the apartment dwellers don't. And with the mounds and mounds of snow and ice that buried us from December to February, it was literally unsafe for several weeks for me to go on my usual walk/jog route or do any outdoor exercise. And there were a few days when going beyond the front door of my apartment was not feasible and even my poor husband had to call into work.
Look, when the snow plow is broken down at the end of your street, sitting there in a sad, shut down heap for almost two days, it's bad. It's really bad.
So exercise (which is just as much essential to my mental and psychological self-care as my physical) was limited, as was leaving my apartment, as was getting any meatspace social contact with living things that weren't my husband or cat.
Needless to say (but I said it anyway), not a good state to be in, and not conducive to posting very much or being very thoughtful or useful, though I tried sometimes. But the upside is that once the days start getting longer, I feel better and usually by mid-April I'm quite spry and energetic again and feeling hopeful and food begins to taste really good (I go through a period of "oh my god, this is fabulous! How did I not know that cheeseburgers were delicious?!?") and I exercise a lot and my creativity spikes and it's spring.
So now that you've all been informed of that, which I know you're all richer for having read, the basic idea is that I hope to start posting more. And to get on that giant backlog of book reviews I have and all the other things.
But here in my part of the world, spring is springing (or trying valiantly to, since it's in the 30's here in NYC) and I'm trying to spring with it. If there's anything I've missed since December or didn't comment on that you wanted me to or anything else, let me know.
no subject
Commisseration on the problems.
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no subject
You may want to purchase a pair of dumbbells for those times when you're cooped up due to heavy snow-- that way, if you can stand or sit or even lie flat on your back without being cramped, you'll have room to exercise. ;) Beyond that, though, I don't have much advice.
I do hope you feel better soon, and I look forward to reading more of your posts!
no subject
Because I *have* been diagnosed with SAD, and I've been having same kind of misery -- I think of it as Melancholy Standard Time, November to March. It's sounds just like what you describe. And who installed the webcam feed from my doctor appointments to your apt?
Lightboxes are relatively cheap (~$300) and you don't need a prescription to get one. When I found one that's strong enough, and dinked around with timing, it makes a night and day difference (so to speak). I agree 100% re: exercise (I swim three times a week. In better weather I bus, but this year I had to use my bus company's door-to-door ride service ($4/trip) for twelve sessions. I also take a picquant combo of meds.
There are some ways out of the dreariness.