Working through the NaPoWriMo Backlog (Day #5)

[megwrites]

"Used to Be"
By: Meg Freeman


I used to want so many things
I used to want
that tall, aloof boy
to look my way
and I used to want
to hear God putting things
in my heart
like slotting a mixtape
into a deck
and hitting play

I used to wish
for a tall dark horse
with a white mane
who loved me only
to ride
and a seashore home
and to have
charming unstrange
strangers to
whisper to me
of my power and specialness
and take my
hand and lead me to
undangerous danger
by way of adveture

I used to want
pop tarts every morning
and all the orange juice
and peanut butter I
could eat
and swiss cake rolls
every damn night
And nothing more
than enough paper
to write and draw
my fill
because that was enough
back then

I used to be the
stupidest saddest
lump of a thing
I ever knew.
I used to be too
goddamn dumb to live

Now, I'm still
a stupid sad lump
but I've gotten
smart enough to die.

Comments

[smw]

Another contemplation of depression, huh? Well. I hear you, and I relate. I'm also going to act on one of those childhood wishes and eat a pop tart, because it's the kind of morning when I needed a reminder that they existed (and, for reasons that are not clear to me and have nothing to do with my shopping, exist specifically in this house).

[megwrites]

Yeah. I'm trying not to have depression be the subject of ALL my poetry, but it's something I'm wrangling with really hard right now so it's difficult NOT to write about it.

I promise I have other, less depression-centric stuff in the pipeline! Really!

Pop Tarts are awesome. I could eat an entire box. I used to want to so badly as a kid. Two never seemed enough for me!

Huh. So, how did the pop tarts get there? Pop Tart fairy mayhaps?

[smw]

I don't judge/dislike the focus on depression (aside from the fact that it means that you're experiencing it). There's not much better than creative work for working through these things, or at least relieving the pressure of them, and somehow I find poetry focused on mental illness very comforting.

The pop tart fairy is most likely my sister, but given we normally grocery shop together, it is still kind of a mystery. It's all good if it ends in pop tarts, I guess?