megwrites

1. Hello f-list. I am alive and all. Right now, if anyone wanted to be sort of writing buddies, I'd really love that. What I mean by writing buddies is that it would be nice if I could send some sample pages from a few things I'm working on to some people and ask "is this crap? does anything work?" and maybe toss around some ideas in my head and have someone poke holes or tell me if I'm doing the same thing EVERY writer in the genre has done since 1975 or something. Especially those who read this genre and are willing to be really brutally honest.

I am OF COURSE willing to reciprocate fully, and even willing to read long or full drafts of short stories, novellas, novels, etc. Seriously.

I'm sort of looking to establish a relationship of "we can pick apart each other's stuff and be friends and maybe even be friends outside of writing". If that makes sense and doesn't sound terribly pathetic.

I know I had beta readers for other novels, but I feel bad calling on them again. Especially since they read an entire book to help me out. That's a lot of pages.

So, drop a message, comment, anything.

2. Mental health is adjusting still since I'm on Lexapro now. It's not been long enough to know if this is The One or not. Also: I may need to talk to mental health person about maybe an ongoing anti-anxiety med rather than just an anti-depressant. For reasons.

3. Re: my last post (which was like two weeks ago). I have no issue with fanfic becoming original fic. I just have issue when the fic in question isn't the good stuff. I come from fandom, and I can tell you that fandom has some really lovely literature to offer. Especially since fandom can be where fans really take their source material and twist it into lots of unexpected shapes and fill in the giant holes and talk about the issues with the original material.

If we had to do a Twilight-based fic-to-original novel, why couldn't be one of the ones where we make Bella the vampire who stalks high school loner Edward or one of the ones where we queer the fuck out of everything and see how it works when they're not all white folks. Or where the writer doesn't utterly fail when it comes to the Quileute people (a whole novel about the Quileute people, even!)

Anyway, we'll talk no more about it, unless anyone feels a driving need to.

4. Anyone have links on how fountain pen converters work or what they are and when/if you need them? I still want to get a fountain pen (maybe I'll ask for one for X-mas this year) but I'd like to know more. Though, I will say my $3.50 little disposable Varsity pen has done okayish. It skips sometimes and if you have the wrong kind of paper it feathers like a shedding goose, but otherwise, not bad.

4. SEE HOW GOOD I AM AT MATH! This is probably why the teller jobs I applied for aren't calling me back. Also, if you ever want to apply to be a bank teller, set aside like FIFTEEN HOURS IN YOUR DAY and get a really good calculator. I did that last week and that shit was like a freaking math test where you have not only do math real good, but try to sell people financial services. In retrospect, it's probably mutually beneficial that I didn't get a callback.

Links:

1. "Malinda has statistics! I have theories!" - via

rachelmanija. Pretty straightforward, relating to Malinda Lo's very telling stats about inclusivity and representation in YA fic, with thoughts on lit YA vs. SF/F Ya. One day, I'd also be interested to see what the numbers come out as if you did this with adult SF/F, especially since a lot of adults want to preach at young folks that "it gets better" - but judging by the shelves it gets worse when you transition to adult fic.

2. Why Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter is the Ultimate White Guilt Fantasy by K. Tempest Bradford. A great read and a fantastic, in-depth analysis of the movie. It contains some spoilers, in case you're concerned about that. Honestly, every moment she mentions is a moment where I rolled my eyes at the movie.

3. A List of (some) PoC SF/F authors - The various genres and formats are mixed here. Some work mainly in short stories, others are novelists, some are YA authors, some adult, some both. I can't vouch for all the works by all the authors, and it certainly is not an exhaustive list. I also acknowledge that the term PoC is a bit problematic/less helpful once you get out of white-dominated countries. However, this list could be a good stepping off point for readers who want to get some less white/Western/Euro-centric SF/F in their literary diet.

Not Relevant to Anyone But Me Writing-Mental Health Thought of the Day: Part of my problem re: feeling utterly unable to get past my mental blocks in writing is that I keep asking "why does this story even matter" and "what's the point in telling this story" and I keep getting the chirping cricket noise in my head.

Part of me is searching for justification for my writing, I suppose. When I'm plotting out or writing a story I can't help but ask myself why? What's important enough about it that it merits writing - but then I can't help thinking that by my own rhetoric, 99% of the books I read and love aren't "important" enough to be written. They're not about Deep Social Issues or Important Giant Ideas, they're just...stories. People's stories. Fun stories. Fantasies. Explorations.

But is that enough?

I also think it may help when my meds get switched. I can say that for me, Effexor does. not. work. I can see how others would benefit, so don't take my experience as a recommendation or anti-recommendation. I just know that I need to get off it and I'm deathly afraid of what my brain will do. I once skipped two days in a row of taking it and my brain went into what I can only describe as an epic and frightening electrochemical hydroplane.

As always, anyone who wants to talk brain chemistry and writing, comments are open.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Before I forget: I'm looking for a writing partner(s) who wouldn't mind hashing out raw ideas and taking a look at raw drafts (just a few pages or paragraphs here and there, not a whole manuscript or anything). I of course would want to reciprocate and would do the same for anyone who wanted it!

You can message, comment, etc.

How does one make the different parts of the sidebar (ie - the modules) different colors. Let's say one wanted to make each sidebar part a different color so that it made a rainbow. Which means that the box with the username and userpic is red and the box with the navigation is orange. Because let's say one loves rainbows in all the senses, including the delightfully queer ones.

How would one accomplish this via CSS? I ask because I got a new layout and I like the spacing, I just want to fiddle around with the colors some.

So, I want to have a conversation about being a writer who's dealing with depression/anxiety. Or maybe other mental illnesses or psychiatric conditions - but mostly I want to talk about how writers deal with it.

Right now I'm trying to start new things, but I'm having an extremely hard time. It's hard for me to pay attention, first off. I have the approximate focused attention span of an over caffeinated howler monkey. Even with all the usual tricks (turning off internet connection, blocks on "time wasting" sites, getting rid of distractions on my desk), I have a hard time maintaining focus.

I don't know if this is depression or a symptom of something I've suspected I might have had for a long time (some form of attention disorder). It may explain why books are so damnably hard for me to read, even when I really want to read them. Right now I'm fighting my way through a book by an author that I like, a lot. It isn't that I'm not interested. It's that I can't make myself stay attentive to the words on the page for more than a few pages at a time.

Even as I'm writing this entry, my brain is telling me to get up and do a bunch different things (read that book! vacuum the living room! oh, a drawing we could be doing! call that appointment thing we're supposed to do! clean the desk! look up recipes! check email! make a list of things we need from the grocery! download that new album you wanted!) and I'm fighting it just to keep my thoughts together. Fighting hard.

Worse than the attention span problems are the "wow, this piece of writing is worthless, I am worthless as a writer" feelings which fill me with such utter despair that I can't find a reason to fight against the avalanche of inattentiveness to keep going. I think to myself, "This is so uninteresting, no one will ever want to read this" or "everyone else has done this idea and done it better". I become convinced that my story is so unimportant, bland, plotless, and unworthy that there's no use in continuing on with it.

And I realize some of these feelings are normal for a writer. Before my depression went to Defcon 1 and took a wrecking ball to my life, I had them. But back then I had these coping skills that seem to have vanished. Or I left 'em somewhere or they got lost in the move to North Carolina or ID-effin'-K, dude.

But to the point where I cannot even face writing, where I get in such a state of despair that it becomes a spiral of sadness, anxiety, and self-hate that it escalates into worse things...that's not normal. That's not okay for me to be doing. I don't want that.

I can't tell my editorial voice, which has legitimate reasons to say, "This scene is a bit boring, let's do something better here, what if they fought!" or "umm, I think every book in the genre has done this, why don't we change it up?" from my depression!voice. I know that those thoughts are helpful. Those are things that are my instincts letting me know where I can better tell the story I want to tell.

So for those out there who deal with these things, how do you deal? What are your coping strategies, how do you keep your writing and creative life on track even when your brain chemistry wants to derail ALL THE THINGS?

an interesting monster

Entries tagged with meatspace: brain chemistry

Varied stuff

Brain soup - like context but less coherent!

Writing and depression

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